


If there's a shadow, there must be light

by uwuJISUNGie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insecurity, Jisung needs a hug, M/M, Mental Instability, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, i might add more tags as the story develops, im sorry changbin, its really just medication, mingyu is mentioned once, so does changbin, you'll learn about the medication later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-07-14 03:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16031609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwuJISUNGie/pseuds/uwuJISUNGie
Summary: Jisung is battling his anxiety and worsening depression.Changbin is there to help.Hyunjin offers a hand.Felix makes him happier.Chan and Minho give him advise about his slow realization of his feelings for Changbin.But what happens when Changbin gets a girlfriend and Jisung is no where to be found?





	1. anxiety and changjin

**Author's Note:**

> the title was taken from one of 3rachas deleted songs aka mixtape #2  
> also i only read this once so i'm sorry for any mistakes

Jisung thought about not attending school today, but he has to. He literally has to because he can’t skip school for another day, he’s already missed almost the entire week. He was spiraling. He could feel it coming. The dread of getting out of bed made his chest tight. His breathing quickened and tears started falling. He hated this. He hated the fact that he physically couldn’t do anything to make it go away. His bed was warm and made him feel a little more grounded. He didn’t wanna leave his bed. It was as if monsters lived under his bed. If he got out from under the covers, they would get him. It wasn’t actually monsters but more like himself. His anxiety. He felt nauseous. He squeezed his eyes tighter, trying to fall back into dreamland. He knew he couldn’t because he was too awake now, which meant his anxiety was too. He heard a knock at his bedroom door and his heart beat quickened. He knew it was his mother. 

His mom was always understanding and wouldn’t really bother him when it came to school. She was the one who made the choice for him to choose when he went to school and when he didn’t. He had days where he’d wake up and be in an okay mood, where he’d actually be somewhat okay to go to school. Some days weren’t good and he wouldn’t want to leave his house, the thought making his head spin. Other days were just straight terrible. Terrible to the point he couldn’t even leave his bed without crying. Crying about what? He didn’t really know. He never knew and that bugged him. Today was one of those days but he physically had to go if he didn’t want to stay back a year. He couldn’t always relay on Changbin to come and bring him his work and bring it back to school for him. He couldn’t always relay on him to write his notes for him and give them to him so that Jisung understood what he was missing. He had his own shit. 

He heard the creak of the door open, shuffling sounds coming towards him. He felt a dip in his bed on his side. He sighed, only loud enough form him to hear. His mom placed a hand on his cover and lifted it off of him. Jisung tried to act sleep but 1) he was terrible at lying, 2) he had tears on his face, and 3) his mom always knew when he woke up. 

“Are you sure you’re okay to go to school today?” Jisung didn’t open his eyes or say anything. He wiped off his face and nodded. He heard his mom sigh but give a small “okay” in return. He heard the worry behind her voice but chose to ignore it. He loved his mother but it was hard for him to be honest with her sometimes. She was nice enough to let him pick the days he went to school based off of his mood, but she didn’t exactly know how he felt. She never experienced anxiety. She never experienced depression. She never experienced self-hatred and low self-esteem. But she was as supportive as she could be and that was enough to make him share certain things with her. 

Jisung got up quickly before he had time to procrastinate any longer. He washed up quickly, threw on his school uniform, grabbed his phone and shoved it in his book bag and went to the kitchen. His mom made breakfast. His younger sister was already sat at the table eating. He really didn’t want to eat. He didn’t have an appetite, he’d probably just throw it back up from how antsy he felt. His anxiety was through the roof and he just needed to get to school as fast as he could so he could leave just as fast, come back home and lay back in his bed. He gave his mom a hug and gave her kiss on her cheek. He waved his sister goodbye and ran out the front door before his mom asked him if he wanted a ride to school. 

He was thankful that his mom gave him rides to school but she was often late to work for that and he didn’t want her to get fired or anything. Changbin messaged him after he woke and asked him if he wanted to meet him at the café near his house which he gladly excepted. 

Jisung practically cried when he saw Changbin leaning against the brick building with his phone is his hands. He missed seeing his friend. He seemed to be smiling. His eyes lit up and sparkled, his pretty teeth showing as he smiled and tapped away at his phone. Jisung smiled. It eased his rapid heat beat a little to see him look happy. Changbin looked up from his phone and smiled at Jisung. They hugged for what seemed like forever. Jisung found comfort in his best friends hugs. 

“How are you Sungie?” Changbin spoke softly and kept his voice low. Jisung smiled and put his face deeper into the crook of Changbin’s neck. 

“I wasn’t okay earlier… but I’m okay now.” Changbin let out a sigh but smiled knowing he was okay for now at least, and let go of him. Jisung pouted, losing the warmth from his hug. Changbin squished his cheeks together, cooing at Jisung making him look cuter. He swatted at his hyungs hands till he let go of his face entirely. 

“Did you miss me?” Changbin smirked teasingly and Jisung punched him in his arm. He yelped and put a hand over his arm. He didn’t even punch him that hard. 

“Yeah… I kinda did.” 

They arrived at school quicker than Jisung had hoped them to. The older of the two felt Jisung tense and immediately stopped him in his tracks. 

“Sungie, don’t worry. I’ll make sure I come get you after each class like usual okay?” Jisung didn’t trust his mouth at the moment, afraid he’d cry in public and that made his anxiety worse. He nodded. Changbin grabbed Jisung’s hand and lead them inside. Jisung stared at their hands as they walked. Laced in one another. Changbin’s hand was really warm compared to his own and he was glad it wasn’t as sweaty as it usually was. Their hands looked pretty like this. He looked back up to find Changbin staring back at him. His face flushed a light pink color and he looked away. He heard a giggle escape Changbin’s lips and his flush deepened. What a perfect start to a perfect day. Not. 

People said their hellos to him and Changbin as they walked down the familiar dreadful hallway. He didn’t really know them but somehow they knew him. He wasn’t popular but people knew of him. He was glad that they were all just acquaintances. He just really wanted today to be over already. 

Changbin dropped him off in front of his first class. He grabbed both of Jisung’s hands and held them up. Jisung turned his gaze away from him, a habit he developed from being too close to someone. He felt Changbin release one of his hands and put it on his chin. He tilted his head up slowly and smiled. Jisung gave him a smile, it was forced but he knew Changbin meant well. 

“I’ll come get you, okay? Don’t freak out if I’m not here in time.” Jisung nodded. He wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck and his automatically gravitated towards Jisung’s waist. He took a few deep breaths to calm his rapid heart beat. People stared at them weirdly as they walked past, he didn’t really care though. Changbin was the one to break the hug first. He waved at him as he walked away, not breaking eye contact till he physically couldn’t anymore. Jisung frowned. He felt tears well up in his eyes but he was quick to wipe them away and walked into his classroom. 

He spotted Hyunjin sitting near the back of the class with his air pods in. He walked over to him slowly and sat next to him. Hyunjin was one of Changbin’s closest friends and would probably consider him as one himself but he’s self cautious with the word “friend.” He doesn’t like involving others into his depression, anxiety filled life but Hyunjin just happened to slip through the tiny cracks in his fingers. He hated it at first. Hyunjin saw him at his worst a few months ago. Changbin had invited Jisung over to his house and Hyunjin happen to be there. Jisung has never thought about him possibly having a panic attack at his house but it happened. It was really embarrassing and he actually tried to avoid him for a whole 3 days, which was stupid because Hyunjin was sweet. He was caring and always made sure Jisung was okay which was weird considering at the time they only knew each other for about a week. But Jisung appreciated it none the less. 

Hyunjin took out his air pods at the sight of Jisung’s arrival. 

“Hey Sungie! How you feelin?” Jisung smiled softly and shrugged. 

“I could be better. I’ve felt worse.” Hyunjin frowned. He’s only known Jisung for a few months now but he hated seeing the younger look so sad. He’s only seen Jisung smile brightly when he was Changbin which was understandable considering the fact that they’ve known each other for a very long time. He sighed and ruffled Jisung’s blonde locks. 

“I don’t think that’s okay but, at least you’re so-so.” Jisung nodded slowly and rested his cheek on his palm, making his cheek look squishier. Hyunjin poked it a few times before Jisung pulled his head back. He smiled lightly and poked Hyunjin’s side which made him instantly move away from his hand. Hyunjin was extremely ticklish and he giggled at the slightest touch, mainly his sides. 

“It’s not, but at least I'm not in class by myself.” 

 

Changbin kept his word, picking up and dropping off Jisung to each of his classes like a teen boyfriend. Jisung would like to think of having a boyfriend in the future but in his situation, he never thought it’d happen. When it was time for Changbin to go pick up Jisung from his last class and bring him home, that’s when things weren’t as okay as the beginning of the day. Jisung was quiet when they started walking. Changbin noticed right away when he’d only respond to him in yes and no. He grabbed Jisung’s wrist and stopped him from walking. Jisung tried his best to look at Changbin in the eye but he couldn’t. 

“What happened?” Jisung shook his head and Changbin rolled his eyes. Did he really expect him to believe he was telling him the truth? 

“Nothing.” 

“Something. Can’t you just tell me? I wanna help you. I hate when you’re not okay and I can only do so much to make you feel better and if you let me know what’s wrong, maybe I can help.” His voice was soft behind the stern words that fell past his lips. Jisung let out a light chuckle. Changbin raised an eyebrow at this. Why was he laughing? 

“Sung. I understand if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I’ll stop asking.” Changbin began to walk again only to get stopped by pulling at his shirt. He heard a small sniffle from behind him and he quickly turned around. His heart broke at the sight of Jisung standing in front of him with tears running down his face. He had zero emotion in his eyes and that scared the shit out of him. 

“I’m sorry.” Jisung was playing with the end of his shirt. A habit Changbin noticed which started about a month ago. He knew almost all his weirdly developed habits. Changbin enveloped him in a hug and held him tightly to his chest. 

“What are you apologizing for?” Jisung took his head out of Changbin’s hair and looked at the ground. His shoes seemed way more interesting. 

“Everything. Y-you’re always there for me when I have meltdowns and you make I'm okay but-but I don’t do anything for you and-” Changbin grabbed Jisung’s hands liked he always did to reassure Jisung. 

“Let me...let me tell you something that I haven’t told you before. You keep me sane. Like if I don’t see you often, I'll probably lose my shit. You’re more valuable to me than anything and anyone. Please don’t say that you don’t do anything for me. It’s the really small things, like hugs and cuddles and just talking that make everything seem okay.” Jisung felt a sob coming up his throat but tried to kept it low considering they were still outside. Changbin wasn’t usually one for sharing his feelings but he did know what was depression sounded like and everything that came out of Jisung’s mouth just now, was a lie. 

Although Jisung did think he was telling the truth. He felt empty. He really didn’t do anything for Changbin and it hurt his heart to see him cover up his depression for him. His parents were constantly fighting and he knew that they probably aren’t gonna stay together and he pushed that all out of his head for Jisung. He hated that he didn’t help him feel better but maybe it really was the small things the mattered. Maybe they made Changbin at ease.


	2. he might have a crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix's freckles are pretty, Changbin's weary about him and Jisung might have a crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im lazy so i didn't proof read so i hope there's no mistakes

Lee Felix. 

Jisung smiled at the boy who moved in next door as he talked about how pretty it was in Seoul compared to Sydney. He talked about how he had to move due to his dad getting promoted and had to come here for work. He spoke with a heavy Australian accent and choppy Korean but it was enough to understand him. It felt weird to be okay to talk to someone without having a panic attack, but maybe that was the wonderous work of Felix’s blinding eye smile. 

“I’m sorry, I keep talking about myself.” Jisung waved his hand around and shook his head. Felix instantly relaxed and smiled. Damn. He was just as pretty as Minho. 

“You’re fine. There really isn’t anything exciting about my life...you’ll probably just get bored.” Felix frowned. He liked making friends and it hurt him to hear that Jisung didn’t really enjoy his life even if he’s never done anything “exciting.” He’s only known him for like 10 minutes but he drew Felix in. He wanted to know more about the blonde-haired boy. Jisung noticed that Felix seemed to look off into space, mumbling something under his breath in English. Was he translating? Should he tell him he could speak English too? 

“I doubt it. I find anything exciting as long as it’s not about school.” Jisung laughed at this, throwing his head back in attempt to not laugh in Felix’s face. He ended up joining in on Jisung’s laughing fit. He could relate. He hated school. There were way too many people and it made him dizzy just thinking about it. They’re laughter eventually died down after a while. 

“You should smile more. You look cute.” Jisung felt a blush creep up to his neck, leading to his cheeks. He looked away trying to hide his face and muttered out a small, “okay, thank you.” Felix patted his head. Jisung’s blush deepened, he probably looked like a tomato. 

“Felix! Come help me!” Felix rolled his eyes at the sound of someone calling him and stood up. Jisung stood as well, rubbing his right hand down his pants to try and get the sweat off. He sweats a lot when he’s nervous. 

“Well, will I talk to you later?” Jisung nodded unable to talk without stuttering, face still visibly red. Felix grabbed Jisung’s phone from his hand, probably putting in his number even though there was no need. They lived next door from each other but he didn’t mind having his phone number. He looked over Felix’s concentrated face and noticed pretty dots scattered over his cheeks and nose, some around his eyes. His natural pout made him look prettier and gave him a cuter boyish look. Gorgeous was the first word that popped into his head. He knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it. 

“Thanks. I’ve always heard people call me cute or handsome but gorgeous is a first.” Jisung’s eyes bulged out of his head and his whole body heated up. He said that out loud? He felt embarrassment bloom in his chest and spread to his legs. It felt like he’d fall any moment. Felix gave Jisung his phone back and winked at him, walking away laughing. 

“BYE JISUNG!” He watched as Felix’s back disappeared into the front door of his house. 

He hated his life. 

 

Jisung walked slowly. He wanted to make the few short blocks it took to the café seem longer. He had a lot on his mind. He needed to find a way to fight his anxiety and depression if he wanted to become a trainee on any label. Maybe the depression wasn’t so bad but the anxiety was another thing. He sighed and continued walking. Had Felix made him feel better? He usually wasn’t one for walking by himself, he’d usually end up freaking himself out. He walked this way just yesterday and he was scaring himself for no reason. He sighed again. 

He looked at the pretty outside decor of the small but relatively large café. He smiled to himself, maybe he shouldn’t be so weird with Felix making him feel better. He opened the front door slowly, the ring of the bell above the door filled his ears as he spotted one of Chan’s friends at the register. His name was Woojin. He’s not close to him but he’s talked to him a few times and he’s really nice. He waved at him and Jisung smiled and waved back to him. He walked over to the two who seem to be having an argument about something not important. He slid next to Changbin, who hasn’t noticed his presence the whole time, and put his head on his shoulder. 

"Hyunjin, for the last time that’s not how you eat kit-kats.” Hyunjin scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t care. It just tastes better that way. So in my defence, that’s the better way to eat it.” Changbin leaned his head onto Jisung’s and fakes a laugh. He jumped. Jisung thought he still didn’t know he was there. Hyunjin yelped which earned a hush from Woojin who was wiping tables. Hyunjin apologized to him with some horrible aegyo. Changbin gagged and Jisung covered his eyes. 

“When did you get here Han?” Jisung put his arms over his chest, head still rested on Changbin’s shoulder. 

“Did I ever mention I hated being referred to by my last name? Although it doesn’t sound that bad...” Hyunjin ignored him completely and gasped at his phone. Changbin rolled his eyes again. 

“Your overexaggerated gasps are not needed.” Hyunjin pouted at Changbin and shoved his phone into his face. He instantly pushed his hand away. 

“Hyung!” Hyunjin whined and texted away at his phone. Changbin took his head off of Jisung’s and put his arm around him. Jisung snuggled deeper into his side. 

“You smell like cheap cologne.” Jisung looked up at Changbin and frowned. Felix smelled fine to him. Maybe it was because Changbin just wears expensive ass cologne. He really couldn’t afford that kind of “luxury.” 

“I met someone.” Hyunjin instantly dropped his phone onto the table and flipped it over. He leaned on the table a little. 

“Spill. Who? When? Where? Is it a guy or a girl?” Jisung waved his arms around so Hyunjin could shut up. He wasn’t really gonna mention Felix but it just kind of happened. 

“It’s a guy, he moved in next door to me and he’s from Sydney. He gave me his number even though we lived right next to each other. Weird right?” Changbin stared blankly at him and blinked a couple of times. 

“And you didn’t like have a panic attack or anything?” Jisung shook his head. Hyunjin smiled a bit too widely, making him look creepy. Changbin’s eyebrows were frayed together and he had this look. He really couldn’t explain it but it bothered him a little bit. Was he mad? 

“Awww our Sungie is evolving!” Hyunjin reached across the table and squeezed his cheeks. Jisung whined and pushed him away from his cheeks. He really only liked when Changbin squeezed his cheeks. He didn’t know why but he just liked how his warms hands felt on his cold face. 

“I don’t know this guy so I don’t trust him. I need to meet him for myself...whats his name?” Jisung rolled his eyes. He knew Changbin was overprotective and would go out of his way to beat anyone's ass for him but Felix wasn’t like that. He was energetic and liked to express himself. 

“His name is Lee Felix and calm down. He’s not a murder.” Hyunjin laughed loudly, sounding kind of like the hyenas in the lion king and Changbin didn’t look too amused. 

“Are you three just gonna sit and chat and not order anything? Wow, we deserve better.” Jisung looked to his left and saw Yugyeom standing near the pantry filled with pastries, another one of Chan’s friends. Changbin waved lazily. Hyunjin yelled a very energetic “Hi Hyung.” And Jisung. He just blinked at him and shot him a peace sign. Yugyeom was kind of loud and obnoxious if you asked Jisung but he was nice to have around sometimes. Jisung was loud himself but lately he hasn’t been like that so he’s not really used to “loud” anymore. 

“You don’t have to pay for these.” Jungkook walked over to them with a tray of two iced coffees and one hot one. The hot one went to him of course because he was always cold and drinking iced coffee made him even more cold. He was happy that he remembered. Jungkook was yet another one of Chan’s friends. He was quite popular at his uni but he had his close circle of friends which were Woojin, Yugyeom, Jungkook, Minho, and the three highschoolers. Jungkook was nice. A little less loud than Yugyeom but more than Woojin. He had that side to him sometimes, usually because of his boyfriend Mingyu. 

“You do know Woojin is gonna take that out of your paycheck?” Yugyeom hit Jungkook of the back of his head as he talked. Jungkook tried to hit him back but missed. 

“I’m fine with it. I get payed enough as it is with the 2 jobs I have, plus Mingyu’s job pays good.” Jisung smiled. He really didn’t have to give them anything or they could’ve just payed but the three of them thanked him anyways. 

“Nah, I'm not gonna take anything out of your paycheck. Just get your ass back behind the register.” Yugyeom pointed at him and laughed until Woojin spoke up again. 

“You too Gyeom.” Hyunjin almost spit the coffee in his mouth out from trying not to laugh at his dejected expression. Changbin was shaking above Jisung and he could tell he was keeping it in so Jisung desided to just let his laughter erupt from his chest. The other 2 soon followed him. At this, Jisung realized that it wouldn’t be so hard to try and suppress his anxiety. 

 

Changbin and Hyunjin did in fact come over so they could meet Felix. Jisung was kind of scared. Hyunjin was nice to everyone he met and Changbin was a bit cold but he was also nice. Not Hyunjin nice but nice enough. But this time it was different. He told them he didn’t feel anxious around him and that stirred something inside of Changbin. He just knew he didn’t feel comfortable. Hyunjin was surprised and happy that Jisung didn’t feel like he wanted to throw himself into a wall but it also made him feel weird about the “unknown” boy. So, there they were. 

They sat on the small porch of Jisung’s house in silence. Hyunjin was practically bouncing up and down. Jisung took his phone out of his pocket and went to his and Felix’s messages. 

 

[squirrel boy >>> loud ass] 

 

squirrel boy: are you home? 

 

loud ass: yaaa,,,, y? do u miss me? 

 

squirrel boy: fuck no 

squirrel boy: just come outside

 

“Where is he?” Jisung could tell Hyunjin was getting impatient and Changbin looked uninterested. He saw Felix walk out of his front door and walk across his lawn towards them. Jisung put both of his palms on either side of Changbin’s cheeks and made him look up at him. Jisung smiled at him. 

“Binnie, please be nice. If I didn’t like him or I didn’t feel comfortable, I would’ve stopped talking to him by now.” Changbin relaxed a bit from his words and nodded. He grabbed Jisung down towards him a little. His heart beat quickened because he’s never been this close to Changbin since he was probably 10 years old. He kissed his forehead lightly that it was almost enough not to feel it. Jisung felt his face heat up, he could hear his heart beating in his ears and prayed that Changbin couldn’t hear it. He almost fell over from how dizzy he felt. Changbin grabbed his arms to keep him steady. He stood up and winked at him, walking off of the stairs and to the pavement where Felix stood awkwardly. Jisung shook his head, trying to make his brain stop replaying the moment over and over inside his head. 

Hyunjin was still sat on the steps, staring at Felix, dazed. Jisung walked past him and up to Felix and gave him a hug. 

“So it looks like you did miss me.” Jisung rolled his eyes but didn’t reply back because he really didn’t know if he missed him or not. But he kind of did. It was weird. He usually only missed Changbin, Hyunjin, Chan, or Minho but mostly Changbin. 

“I wanted you to meet my friends. This is Seo Changbin. The one on the steps is Hwang Hyunjin. Guys, this is Lee Felix.” He waved at both of them shyly. Hyunjin eventually walked over to Felix and introduced himself properly. Jisung nudged Changbin’s side. Changbin rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest looking off to the side in annoyance. Jisung smiled a little. He’s cute when he’s mad. Wait. Why was he thinking Changbin was cute? If he could hear what was going in inside of his head, he’d probably try and fight him. Changbin waited till Hyunjin was done talking or stuttering. Whichever one was coming out of his mouth. 

“I’m gonna be honest with you. I only wanted to meet you because... well that’s really not my business to tell but I just wanted to meet whoever was making my Sungie happy.” Jisung blushed at the words “my Sungie.” He playfully hit Changbin’s arm but held his head low, trying to hide his face. Felix chuckled. 

“I understand. Especially since I've only known him for a few days now, whereas you’ve known him for longer. It’s...it’s... what’s the word for expected?” The last sentence was in English. The three of them ended up laughing. Jisung believed that they would like him, it’d just take a little shove to Changbin and not much work for Hyunjin apparently who was already gawking at him. 

The four of them hung out for the rest of the day in Jisung’s house. It was late of course and Hyunjin got an idea about them spending the night which Jisung instantly declined. 

“Whyyyyy!?” Jisung rolled his eyes. He was always whining about something. It was funny most of the time though. He had his reasons on why he didn’t want them to stay over but he never told Felix about his bad anxiety and it really revolved around that. He just kept it to himself. 

“I don’t want loud people in my house for an entire night. We’ll never sleep.” Felix and Hyunjin whined about how they’re not loud and earned a snort from Changbin. 

“Let’s face it, we’re all loud as fuck.” Jisung nodded in agreement to Changbin’s words. Felix shook his head. 

“Excuse me but you can call yourselves loud all you want but me and Jinnie aren’t.” Hyunjin blushed and hit Felix on his arm. 

“Don’t call me Jinnie.” Felix rolled his eyes. He was definitely gonna call him Jinnie for now on. Changbin stood abruptly and began to walk towards the door. 

“I’m getting food who’s coming with me?” Jisung was about to volunteer when Felix ran to the front door before he could say anything. He smiled, Changbin sighed loudly. 

“Hey! I just wanna get on your good side!” He rose his hands in defense which made the older chuckle. 

“Whatever. Don’t annoy me, I get enough of that from Hyunjin.” Changbin and Felix where out the door before Hyunjin could defend himself. He huffed. 

Jisung’s mind wondered back to a few hours ago, when Changbin kissed his forehead. He was pretty sure it was just a sign for “I understand” so why did it make Jisung’s heart race and his face heat up when he thought about it? Changbin was Changbin. He was sweet and kind and always cared for Jisung’s health because that’s what friends do. Friends kiss their friends' foreheads... right? 

“Oh my god Jisung. Will you stop daydreaming about how much you want to kiss Changbin and realize that he just insulted me?” Jisung’s eyes widened. His face turned a deep shade of scarlet. 

“I do not wanna kiss Changbin!” 

“HA! Don’t lie. This is what I call WHIPPED.” Jisung laughed nervously. Did he actually like Changbin? No. He couldn’t... could he? Jisung’s breathing became uneven and he knew he’d have a panic attack if he kept thinking about it. 

“Don’t act like you don’t like Felix.” Hyunjin blushed and stuttered out how they’ve only known each other for a few hours. Jisung giggled at how cute Hyunjin was acting. 

“Look. He's beautiful, I'm not gonna deny that but- wait. HOW COME YOU DIDN’T WARN ME THAT HE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL!? MY GAY HEART WASN’T READY!” 

 

It's been a few weeks since Hyunjin and Changbin met Felix and Jisung couldn’t be happier. It was a first for him. It felt like it’s been years since he’s smiled this much and acted his usual loud, funny self. He’s actually been going to school a lot more and feeling less anxious in the hallways. He didn’t know how it became like this, but maybe it was Felix who slapped him in the face and yelled at him to become himself when he met him outside his house, maybe it was Hyunjin’s sassy words that made him laugh and the whine that followed when he’d tease him. Maybe it was Changbin. 

Changbin seemed happier, maybe it was because Jisung was but he really didn’t know. He just loved to see his best, closest friend smile. 

They all sat in the large cafeteria that gave Jisung chills up and down his back but he was kind of distracted this time. His friends were having a conversation about god knows what, but all his mind could think about was Changbin. How his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed, how his nose scrunched up when he found something cute and adorable, how his lips stretched into that beautiful smile Jisung loved so much. Okay, this all sounded like he had a crush on said boy but he was sure he didn’t. No, he really fucking did have a crush on him. 

Jisung’s head started to spin a bit at all the possibilities of Changbin finding out about his feelings. What if he didn’t like him back? That’d be really embarrassing. What if he ends up feeling uncomfortable around him? What if it ruins their friendship? That’s where he stopped. He started to feel his anxiety kick in and breathing was becoming hard for him. He felt nauseous. The thought of losing Changbin all because of his feelings towards him made his stomach churn. But it was just a crush, right? It’d go away in a few days...right? His mouth started to water and he knew he was going to throw up. He stood fast, which was a mistake, and excused himself to the bathroom. 

He ran. 

He ran till he saw the familiar signs of the bathroom and ran into one of the stalls. He fell onto his knees and all of the feelings he’s been keeping in came after. He felt his body shaking. He was crying. He grabbed some tissue and wiped his face, pulling his knees to his chest. He didn’t know why he felt like this. It was probably just a panic attack but it felt different. His head hurt and he felt more lightheaded than he usually did. He felt someone's hand on his shoulder and he jumped. It was Hyunjin. He bent down next to him. 

“Are you okay?” Jisung shook his head. Speaking was difficult, being he was hyperventilating. Hyunjin didn’t know what to do because he’s never consoled him when he had a panic attack. He’d only watched Changbin from afar and shot him encouraging words. Felix stood behind him wide eyed. This made everything worse. He hated people seeing him like this especially his friends. 

“I’m gonna get Changbin, Felix make sure he doesn’t pass out or anything.” Felix nodded. He crouched down next to Jisung. He wanted to ask him something but he didn’t really want to make him more uncomfortable than he was, he just said words that came to mind. 

“Everything will be okay. I promise. We’ll make sure you feel better.” Jisung was thankful that Felix wasn’t uncomfortable seeing him in such a state, but it only made his chest feel tighter. Changbin ran into the bathroom. Felix moved out of the way so Changbin could be next to Jisung. 

“Jisung, look at me. Breath okay? Take deep breaths with me.” They did a little breathing exercise till Jisung was breathing normally again. Changbin helped Jisung stand up and the four of them walked out of the bathroom. He kept his arm secured around Jisung’s waist as they walked towards the nurse's office. Jisung told the nurse that he threw up and was having some trouble breathing. Changbin walked out the door to the hallway where the others were. 

“I’m gonna take Jisung home. He’ll be fine after he lays down and rests for a bit.” 

“We’re going with you.” Hyunjin’s words were hard, making him sound more demanding than he actually wanted it to. Felix nodded. They were worried about him and wanted to make sure he was okay. 

“No, just stay here. Hyunjin, your parents get mad at you when you leave school early and Felix, you don’t fully understand Jisung’s mental health yet so he might be uncomfortable.” Hyunjin was about to argue but Felix stopped him. 

“Trust me, he’ll be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how long its going to take me to update the next chapter because i start school next week but if you wanna bug me about updates my twitter is @uwuMinghao_o


	3. happiness is short lived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung meets Chaeyoung

Get home 

Get home 

Get home 

Get home 

 

It was a mantra in Jisung’s head. He needed to get home and he needed to get away from Changbin but he walked by his side anyways. He had his arm around his waist and his body pressed against Jisung’s. It was warm but it also made his head spin. He stopped walking which resulted in Changbin to stop as well. They were about a little up the street from his house and he really just wanted to run over there. 

“What’s wrong? Do you feel sick again?” Jisung shook his head and looked away. He felt his eyes start to hurt and that prickling feeling came back. He didn’t want to cry again. It seemed like all he did was cry and he hated crying. Crying made you look weak. 

“Binnie hyung. You can leave.” Changbin shook his head and hugged Jisung who instantly pushed him away softly. 

“Hyung. What I meant is that you don’t have to stay with me. You don’t have to stay by my side out of pity. I hate people giving me pity because of my anxiety.” Jisung looked up at Changbin who stared back at him, a look of hurt in his eyes. Jisung immediately regretted what he said. 

“Jisung-ah. Do you really think of our friendship as me taking pity on you? I- didn’t I tell you before, in this exact same situation, that you help me feel better? I look at you as someone who can help me get through life. Please don’t say things like that Jisung.” Changbin lifted his hand to the youngers face and rubbed his thumb over his cheek. Jisung realized tears had fallen down his face and he hated that Changbin was looking at him. He didn’t want to be around him. The guilt set in and it hurt. He gave Changbin a hug and told him he was sorry a few times, then he ran. 

He always ran from his problems because he never knew how to face them. He was weak and Changbin deserved a better friend. He didn’t deserve to have feelings for him. 

 

Jisung laid on his bed for a few hours thinking. His mind was everywhere. He really needed to talk to…well someone but not his mom. She would just judge him. Tell him he needed to take care of his anxiety first and then worry about Changbin. That was something that seemed bad in Jisung’s eyes. If he waited too long to tell him, and Changbin had possibly liked him back, he might lose his chance to date him. He doubted he liked him back but if there was a chance, he’d take it. He sighed and sat up on his bed, wiping off his tear stained face. He grabbed his phone off of the desk next to his bed and looked through his contacts and stopped at Chan’s number. He took a deep breath and called him. It rang for a bit until he heard Chan on the other line. 

“Hyung. Can-can I come over?” Jisung was sure that sounded like a stupid question but he still asked regardless. He heard Chan chuckle. 

“Of course you can Ji. Do you want me to come pick you up? Wait. I’m coming to get you anyways, I’m not letting you walk all the way here.” Jisung smiled. He needed someone to talk to and he knew Chan was willing to talk to him, even if he didn’t ask him yet. 

“Okay, I'll let you know when I'm done getting dressed.” He heard Chan hum through his phone as a sign of agreement and he gave a quick “bye” and hung up. He stared at the door to his closet and thought of what to throw on himself. He eventually got up and put on whatever was clean. He didn’t bother making himself look presentable because it was Chan afterall. He took his time fixing his hair up. He shot the elder a quick text telling him he was ready. He laid back down on his bed and plugged his earphones into the headphone jack of his phone. He turned the volume up to the point where it wasn’t ear deafening but loud enough to drown everything out. Jae’s voice, accompanied by the soft melody of I Like You, filled his ears and he closed his eyes. 

 

_In life, there aren’t many days_  
_When things go your way_  
_There are more days when it didn’t go my way_  
_Will today be another one of those days?_  
_I am pretty worried_

_After I tell you these words_  
_I’m not sure if we can go back_  
_To smiling like we are now_  
_But I have to_

_I Like you_  
_I tried holding it back_  
_But I can’t anymore_  
_Now I can tell you_  
_I want to love you_

 

Tears filled his eyes and he blinked them away. The song stopped and his phone lit up. Chan was calling him. He thanked god that he called instead of texting because he was sure he’d end up sobbing. He didn’t answer but instead ran down stairs and out the front door. He waved at Chan through the window and opened the car door. 

“Hey sungie. I missed you.” Chan pouted and held out his arms. Jisung stopped himself from buckling his seat belt and gave Chan a hug. 

“I missed you too hyung.” He let go of Chan swiftly and buckled his seat belt. The car was mostly quite on the way to Chan house but it was a comfortable silence. Jisung stared out the window and watched the houses pass by quickly but gracefully. Twice played softly on the radio which calmed his nerves a little. 

“Jisung, I can practically hear you thinking.” The younger smiled and shook his head slightly chuckling. “Sorry hyung.” 

“Nah. It’s fine.” 

Jisung sat on Chan’s sofa with his knees to his chest. He was a little scared of telling the older about his feelings. He was sure he wouldn’t judge him but he was still nervous. Chan sat across from him, Minho sat on his lap with his head on Chan’s shoulder. Jisung sighed. He felt weird seeing his friends cuddling together. Not that he hated looking at them, they looked cute, but he wished he could be in a relationship like them in the future. He watched as Chan kissed Minho’s cheek and neck repeatedly. Minho laughed, pushing his head away from him. Jisung had this feeling inside of that seemed rather bittersweet. Maybe jealousy? He felt bad that he felt this way about his friends’ relationship with each other. It was his fault that he couldn’t put the words in his head into an action. 

“Chan hyung. Can we uh...talk?” Minho looked up and pouted. 

“Hey! I’m here too.” He crossed his arms over his chest and Jisung gigled a little. 

“You too Minho hyung.” Minho smiled widely and got more comfortable on Chan’s lap. Jisung took a deep breath then let it out. He did this two more times then started fidgeting with his hands. He watched himself move his fingers around like it was the most interesting thing in the world. 

“I... like Changbin hyung.” Chan and Minho both looked at each other then back at Jisung and smiled. 

“Aww, sungie. We already knew.” Chan nodded at Minho’s statement and smiled brighter. 

“It’s kind of hard not to see it.” Jisung felt his face heat up slowly and looked back down again. Was he really that obvious? He sighed heavily. 

“It’s not a bad thing sungie.” Chan’s voice sounded a lot closer than earlier. Jisung looked to his right and saw Chan staring back at him. He reached out and patted Jisung’s shoulder. He smiled lightly and Jisung smiled back halfheartedly. 

“Look, take this from a guy who has been in this situation before.” Chan looked at across from Jisung and Minho stuck his tongue out at him. Jisung chuckled a little at Minho’s antics. 

“I was so caught up in the possibilities of Minho not liking me back that I almost didn’t tell him. I never thought about myself, which was a bad idea because that’s what’s most important. You need to make yourself happy before others and if telling him you like him helps you feel better, take that chance.” Jisung’s eyes teared up. He tried his best to blink them away but Minho beat him to it. He used the sleeve of his (Chan’s) hoodie and wiped over Jisung’s eyes. Minho spread out his arms and Jisung fell right into his embrace. 

“I don’t know what I'd do without you guys. Thank you.” 

“Your welcome sungie.” Minho pet his head and Chan pouted. 

“I wanna hug Jisung too.” Jisung and Minho both laughed. Jisung moved his body over a little held out his right arm. Chan squished his way in the small space and hugged both of them back. He turned his head in Jisung’s direction and smiled brightly. 

“Jisung. Trust me, Changbinnie likes you too. A lot.” 

 

Jisung thought to himself after yesterday and found out that he was in fact, a procrastinating little bitch. He told himself that he would tell Changbin over the weekend and guess what, it was the weekend. He thought about getting flowers but he decided against it. It seemed way too cheesy. He thought about buying...something, but he decided against that too. Then he thought he should just tell him. Sometimes you don’t have to buy things. He called Changbin a while ago and asked if he could “tell him something.” Changbin agreed and said he wanted to talk to Jisung as well anyways. He was nervous but giddy. Chan had told him over and over again that Changbin liked Jisung back but he didn’t really know for sure. He had to hear it from Changbin’s mouth. 

He couldn’t stop smiling and was pretty sure he looked creepy to some people, just smiling and walking down the street by himself. He felt happy. To finally realize your feelings for your best friend is weird and scary, but he felt happy. He was always happy around Changbin and he’s never felt this in a long time. He was Jisung’s world and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He eventually arrived at the park Changbin said for him to go to and spotted him immediately. He felt his heart race and his cheeks hurt. He walked closer to them and saw a girl. She sat next to Changbin on her phone with her head rested on his shoulder. Jisung’s smile faded a little but he walked to Changbin regardless. 

“Hey sungie!” Changbin stood up and gave Jisung a hug. His face heated up a little and he hugged him back. Changbin felt warm and melted into his arms. It felt like weeks since he last talked to Changbin even though it was only 2 days. 

“Hi hyung.” It seemed hard to act fine in front of him because Jisung now knows about his feeling towards the elder but he wants to be a little selfish. Changbin broke their hug and Jisung had to hold back a whine. 

“Oh! I wanted to tell you something.” Jisung watched as Changbin motioned for the girl sat on the bench to come towards him. 

“Jisung, this is Son Chaeyoung. My girlfriend.” Jisung’s mind went blank. Changbin has a girlfriend. She was standing right in front of him. She was pretty. He hated it. He tried not to make his smile look forced but it indeed was. 

“It’s nice to meet you. Changbin oppa has told me a lot of things about you. He’s even told me about you wanting to become a rapper in the future and showed me a few things you wrote.” Jisung nodded and looked at Changbin, eyebrows frayed. 

“Sorry, was I not supposed to?” Jisung shook his head and pressed his lips into a tight lipped smile. 

“No, it’s fine. It’s nice to meet you too Chaeyoung.” Jisung felt his breathing become uneven and he felt himself start to have a panic attack. He tried not to think about it but it was painfully obvious to him and Changbin. 

“Are you okay sungie?” Changbin put his hand on his shoulder and Jisung shrugged it off, nodding fast. “I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure?” Jisung ignored his question and shoved his hands into his pockets. He had to if he wanted to hide his shaking hands. How did he go from being happy to feeling like this? Sad, uncomfortable, and having a panic attack. He wanted to run away but his feet stayed plastered to the ground. Wait. He came to tell Changbin he liked him, so how was he supposed to get out of this? 

“I just came to uh...I... wanted to apologize! Yeah, for a few days ago. Because I ran away from you instead of talking to you about...the thing.” His speech was slurred and rushed but he _was_ having a panic attack and didn’t wanna be around the two. Jisung chewed on his bottom lip and stared at the ground. He heard Changbin sigh and walk up to him. He put his hand under Jisung’s chin and lifted it up. He pulled his lip from between his teeth and smiled. 

“It’s okay sungie. I know how you felt that day so you don’t need to apologize.” Jisung nodded and looked towards Chaeyoung who had this dejected look on her face. He was confused. Why did she look sad? He shook off the thought and gave a weak smile towards Changbin. 

“Would you mind hanging out with us sungie?” Yes. He really would mind and he’d rather go home and cry in his room right now than to have to watch the two look cute and cuddly, but he couldn’t deny Changbin. He hated that he had that kind of power over him but he found himself shaking his head instead of nodding. He watched the smile form on Changbin’s face as he said a small “okay” and grabbed Chaeyoung’s hand, leading them out of the park and down the street. 

Jisung watched as the two were immersed in a conversation about...something. He wasn’t really listening, too caught in his thoughts like always. He watched as Changbin laughed loudly or giggled from something Chaeyoung said or did. He watched that loving smile on his face as Chaeyoung talked about how much she loved drawing. He watched. And it hurt him. The overflowing emotion he felt when he left school the other day came back, but it was a different feeling. It hurt worse. It felt like someone was ripping his insides out and squeezing his heart till it popped. He took out his phone and pretended to look at it as if someone messaged him. 

“Hey, I have to go back home. My mom wants me to help her put this bookshelf together.” Technically it wasn’t a lie. That bookshelf had been sitting in his house in the living room unopen because his mom didn’t know how to put it together, nor did she bother to try, so she asked him to do it. But that was yesterday and he forgot but she didn’t care much anyways. Changbin bleed his eyes into Jisung’s to search for...something. Jisung didn’t think he found anything because he gave him a hug and pouted. 

“I wish we could get to know each other more Jisung, it was nice meeting you though.” There was no sincerity in that whatsoever. Jisung was confused again. He ignored his curiosity and waved them goodbye and sped walked down the street. 

 

Why had Changbin wanted Jisung to third wheel? That was probably the most uncomfortable moment he’s ever experienced in his life. He didn’t understand this feeling inside of him anymore. Of course he was jealous, but this was something else entirely and he didn’t like it. He felt numb. This was so stupid. Why had he ever thought about wanting to date Changbin? Chaeyoung was gorgeous and they looked great together, whereas, Jisung wasn’t even average looking. She was smart and funny and had lots of talents. She was everything Jisung wasn’t. No wonder Changbin chose her over him. He didn’t even tell him he loved him, yet he knows that he’d probably get shot down. The small lump in his throat grew bigger, but no tears came out of his eyes, his mind was blank and he walked where his legs took him. 

He didn’t know what to think anymore and he really just wanted to scream, cry and for a sinkhole to swallow him underground. But he didn’t cry. He didn’t know how. His chest ached and blood rushed to head, he felt himself slipping. He stopped walking and looked up at the sky. The sun was setting and it looked pretty despite the cool weather. The orange and pink hues mocked him, making his mood worsen. His legs felt like jello and he put his back against a wall that belonged to some unknown building. He took some deep breaths. He didn’t even know where he was anymore and frankly, he didn’t care. He ran his hands through his hair repeatedly out of frustration and let out a small whimper. 

“Jisung?” He saw a silhouette out of the corner of eye but he didn’t bother to look up till it neared him. 

“Jisung. Are you okay?” At the sound of the other males familiar voice, the emotions came pouring out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FORGIVE ME FOR POSTING THIS SO LATE  
> schools been kicking my ass and i havent found time to finish this chapter but I DID!!!  
> i wonder who the guy is????????????


	4. changbin's not fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin's pov

Changbin unlocked the door to his house, closing it behind him quietly. He stayed by the door for a minute listening. He did this often, he’s gotten used to it. He sighed as he heard the shatter of glass and a scream coming from the kitchen. He’d have to wear shoes to go to his room again. Last time he didn’t, that was a mistake. He dropped his bag by the door and walked slowly. Peeking his head from the hallway, he saw his parents arguing like they always were. The ground was littered with tiny and huge glass shards. He sighed again and walked as quietly as he could towards his room with the annoying crunchy sound of glass under his shoes. He sped up a tad at the remembrance of his mother throwing a slipper at his head for wearing shoes in the house. 

When he arrived at his room, he shut the door lightly and leaned his back against it. He hated this so fucking much. Why did his parents always have to break things when they argued? Can’t they just yell at each other like normal people? Anyways, he didn’t really wanna think about them anymore, he was worried about Jisung. He walked over to his bed and plopped down onto it. Jisung usually wasn’t quite around the older, even if there was someone else around them that he didn’t know. He had been more reserved and to himself lately because of his anxiety, but he was still loud and cheery. Why did it bother him so much that Jisung wasn’t talking to Chaeyoung after they met? He slid his hoodie off and tossed it into his closet. He walked back over to his bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He loved Jisung, he just wished he’d stop shutting himself off. He always told Changbin how he was feeling, but recently he’s just been lying and telling him he’s fine. And when the older knows he’s not fine, he just changes the subject. 

There was a knock at his door and the knob turned softly. His mother stuck her head in the crack of the door and smiled. 

“Hey Bin, I didn’t know you were home yet.” Changbin nodded and smiled back at her. 

“Yeah. I came back not long ago.” She opened her mouth to say something else, but Changbin’s father yelled at her from in the hallway. She rolled her eyes and shut the door softly. He loved his mom, but his relationship with his dad was awful. Changbin hated him and vice versa. His bedroom door flew open and banged right into the wall. He flinched at the sound. His father was staring at him, he was obviously upset but he didn’t care. 

“Do you have respect for your elders?” Changbin sighed and nodded his head. This was gonna be a stupid argument that he really wasn’t in the mood to engage in. 

“It seems like you don’t. I didn’t know you were here, your mother didn’t know you were here.” 

“You were both arguing. You wouldn’t have noticed even if I yelled and told you guys.” His father walked up to Changbin and grabbed his shirt. He reeked of alcohol and that only made Changbin’s heart race. 

“Don’t be a smart ass Changbin, you’ll regret it.” Changbin suppressed the urge to run and nodded. His father held onto his shirt tighter. Changbin stared blankly into his father’s eyes, albeit he was terrified. 

“Answer me you fucking brat!” 

“Okay dad.” His father didn’t seemed to like his response. He rose his hand and Changbin flinched. He heard his mom yell from behind his father. It was too late for him to run now and it was too late for his mother to try and stop him because he had already slapped him. Changbin felt the familiar sting creeping onto his cheek. Tears pickled the corners of his eyes and fell shortly after. His mother cried and screamed, begging for him to stop, but he just slapped Changbin again. More tears fell from his eyes. He squeezed them shut as more hurtful words filled his ears. How he was a disappointment, worthless, disrespectful. He felt more tears fall onto his hands. A punch landed to his jaw and he caught himself before he fell over on his bed, clutching his face. The ringing in his ears came back like it usually did when he got hit. He blocked out his mother’s screaming, his father’s words and got up walking towards the door. His father grabbed at the collar of his shirt, almost choking him, bringing the younger back towards himself. Changbin heard a loud slap and soon his father’s grip was released. The last glimpse he caught of his parents before he left his room was of his mother kicking his father in his groin. He walked towards the front door, grabbed his bag with his school shit in it and left. He ran down the street till he was sure he wasn’t in sight of his house anymore. 

He walked the four long blocks to Hyunjin’s house, trying to calm himself down. Spoiler: it sure as hell didn’t work. The tears kept falling and his mind kept thinking about what had just happened. His face hurt and he knew it would probably bruise. He didn’t really know why he was surprised that his dad had hit him. He always did when he was intoxicated. It pissed him off but he couldn’t do anything about it. The pushing, the punching, the kicking, trying to hide bruises from your friends. It hurt. Physically and mentally. He tried so hard to tell his mom that his dad was gonna kill him one day and she didn’t want to believe him. How were you supposed to tell your best friend that your father abuses you? And that the one time his wrist and ankle were broken wasn’t actually from “falling down the stairs.” Changbin let out a sob which he quickly covered with his hand. 

When he arrived at his destination, Hyunjin’s mom opened the door. She asked if he was okay, which he shrugged off with a small “just family stuff.” She told him Hyunjin was in his room so he walked up the steps and pushed his bedroom door open, not bothering to knock because he was pissed off and sad. Hyunjin had told the elder multiple times that he didn’t need to knock anyways. What he didn’t expect to find was Hyunjin and Felix sucking each others faces off. The disgusting lip smacking noise was all Changbin could hear and it made him feel uncomfortable. He should really shut his door. A moan fell past Hyunjin’s lips in a hum and he stopped kissing Felix, looking up unintentionally. His eyes widened as they met the elders and he looked almost scared. His face turned a bright shade of red and he quickly moved Felix away from him, covering his face with his hands which he quickly moved. The youngest mirrored his expression, face flushed, and wiped off his face (well tried to but there was still saliva on his mouth), smiling nervously. Hyunjin’s eyes looked everywhere but Changbin’s eyes as he talked.

“H-hyung! UH….When did you get here!?” Changbin rolled his eyes and dropped his bag on Hyunjin’s computer chair. 

“I’ll be down stairs, finish doing what you were doing.” 

“NO! I-it’s fine.” Felix excused himself to the bathroom to wash his face. Changbin sat on the floor next to Hyunjin and place his head on his knee which he instantly moved. Hyunjin chuckled lightly. 

“I’m not dirty hyung, but are you okay?” Changbin cocked his head to the side and shook it. Hyunjin frowned. He tapped Changbin’s head and made him look in his direction. 

“Can I stay over?… if that’s okay with you.” Hyunjin gave Changbin a lopsided smile and nodded. He began to run his fingers through Changbin’s messy brown hair which he easily leaned into. Changbin could tell that Hyunjin wanted to ask him why but could sense his uneasiness. He was thankful for that. Felix came back into Hyunjin’s room and sat on the floor next to Changbin. 

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna be a bother. I’m not interrupting your time together?” Felix rolled his eyes and shook his head. Hyunjin mirrored Felix’s expression. They must be the same person now Changbin thought. 

“Don’t tell Jisung about us yet, he’d tease me so much because I told him I didn’t like Felix.” Felix chuckled lightly at Hyunjin’s pout. Changbin patted his knee. Felix rested his head on Changbin’s shoulder and started playing with his hand. He was definitely gonna ask him a question. 

“Where’s Jisung?” Changbin looked to his right and saw Felix staring at him, then up at Hyunjin who was also staring at him. He forgot that Jisung met Chaeyoung because of his father. Hyunjin had moved his hand and waved it in front of his face. Changbin shrugged and grabbed Hyunjin’s hand, placing it back on his head. The younger giggled and continued playing with his hair. 

“I saw him earlier after I told him about Chaeyoung, but he went home. He didn’t look too good but I’ll talk to him tomorrow.” Felix raised an eyebrow. 

“Who’s Chaeyoung?” 

“My girlfriend.” Hyunjin’s eyes went wide and he covered his mouth with his left hand. Changbin rolled his eyes. He was always so extra, but he was used to it. Why is he making a big deal out of it anyways? 

“What’s wrong?” Felix looked generally concerned which made Changbin hold back a laugh. When he hangs out with him more, he’ll know he’s just over exaggerating everything. 

“Huh? Oh…n-nothing.” He bit his bottom lip and looked away, then back at Changbin and forced a smile. 

“Congrats!” 

Weird. 

 

Changbin lied on his back staring on the ceiling. The air mattress he was laying on that was next to Hyunjin’s bed wasn’t as comfortable as he imagined it to be. Well he was technically lying on air. Hyunjin and Felix had fallen asleep an hour ago, snuggled into each others side and he’s just been awake. He had to go back home eventually, but he didn’t want to. He knew both his parents were gonna be mad at him. He had his house key with him, so he might just go when they’re both at work or something. He’d grab clothes and hall it back to Hyunjin’s. He might not mind too much about him staying with them for a few days. His parents adore Changbin and he didn’t think they’d mind either. He might try and see if he could stay with Jisung for awhile but he had something against Changbin staying over sometimes. Most of the time he didn’t care, but other times he would resent it. Changbin never questioned the younger about it, knowing it’d have to do with his anxiety but he was still curious. He sighed and brought his knees up to his chest. He hated this. How he felt, how Jisung felt. He wanted to cry so bad, but he held it in. He felt a weight on his right and arms wrap around him. He flinched hard, which was pretty obvious to who ever was behind him. 

“Are you okay hyung?” The hushed raspy deep voice was enough for Changbin to realize it was Felix. He must have gotten up to use the bathroom or get water, and saw he was still awake. Changbin shook his head slightly and turned in Felix’s arms to face him. His big eyes seemed bigger since he was worried and he instantly felt bad. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Changbin shook his head again. His feelings seemed to resurface as Felix smiled at him and pat his head. Had he been so dumb to really leave his mother alone with his abusive father? His eyes watered and he tried so hard not to cry because he knew he’d wake up Hyunjin, but that only made the lump in his throat grew and the ache in his chest intensified. It was that he didn’t want people to know about him hurting because he didn’t want others to see how broken of a person he was. He was a mess, but he needed to stay okay for people to not try and dig deeper into his life. It wasn’t a good or healthy thing at all, but it helped him not feel guilty for burdening others about his depression. He sucked in a sharp breath of air and forced a smile Felix’s way, who only frowned in return. 

“It’s okay to cry hyung.” 

“I know. I just don’t want to.” He cringed at his voice cracking. He really did want to cry, but he told himself he didn’t want to. For Felix. That’s all that was running through his head. The loud voice in the back of his head screamed at him to listen to Felix’s words. He didn’t want to. For Felix. For himself. For Hyunjin. But that didn’t happen too well. He was visibly shaking and Felix’s hold on him tightened. He gently put Changbin’s head in his chest and rubbed his back. Changbin felt the tears fall from his eyes and let it all out. The wall to the dam he constantly had to rebuild finally fell. The emotions he kept within himself were still there, but the reminder of them being let out were left behind on Felix’s shirt. He was sure his sobs sounded like strangled screams, muffled by the youngers chest, but that’s how he felt. Like he was dying. He has never once had the thought of wanting to kill himself, but right now, it sounded nice. 

He felt another pair of hands on his back. Hyunjin. He rubbed his back soft and slow trying to calm him down but that, in Changbin’s mind, made him want to cry more. He probably looked so vulnerable and weak. Hyunjin pried Changbin’s hands out of Felix’s shirt and sat him up, hugging him. He shushed him and rocked them side to side. He talked lowly in the elders ear telling him everything was okay. 

“Hyung, can you breathe for me? I don’t want you to start hyperventilating.” Changbin nodded lightly and wiped his tears off. He tried to steady his breathing by matching Hyunjin’s but it wasn’t helping. 

“I- C- an’t.” Felix rubbed his back and ran his hand through his hair. Changbin was never one to have a panic attack, but he it was really hard for him to breath and that started freaking him out. 

“Listen to our breathing. Just listen, don’t try and match it.” Surprisingly, it worked. Changbin’s breathing slowed and he stopped crying, only the occasional tear falling from his eye that he’d wipe off. He sniffed and looked down at his lap. 

“Thanks guys.” 

They eventually all ended up snuggled in Hyunjin’s bed, Changbin in the middle. It was small, barley big enough to fit two people, but they fit themselves regardless. He felt relaxed like this for once in his life. His eyelids drooped slowly, listening to Hyunjin’s and Felix’s hushed teases as fell asleep.

He woke up with a headache, he wasn’t surprised really but it still hurt. He tried to stay still as to not wake up Felix, who had his arms tightly wrapped around his waist. Hyunjin seemed to have gotten up, the sound of water running coming from the bathroom connected to his bedroom. Soon enough, he came out the bathroom, towel tightly wrapped around his waist. Small beads of water rolled down his torso and dripped onto the floor. To say Hyunjin was hot was an understatement, he was utterly gorgeous but he wasn’t Changbin’s cup of tea. Felix had woken up from the scent of Hyunjin’s body wash and was drooling over him. Changbin rolled his eyes and separated himself from the younger. 

“You look hot.” Felix’s voice was groggy and deep but Hyunjin swooned and practically moaned. Changbin thought this was the right time to jump out the window. 

 

Changbin had been trying to call and text Jisung for days to no avail. It was unusual for him to not pick up Changbin’s calls our texts because even if it was late or early in the morning, he’d text or call back eventually. At some point his phone would ring till his voice mail, then it just went straight to voice mail. Was he trying to ignore him? Changbin shook his head. That’s dumb. Why would Han Jisung, his childhood best friend who never had any type of hate toward the elder, ignore him? He lied his head onto his arms and stared down at the desk in front of him. It’s been a week and he hasn’t talked to or seen Jisung in that time span. It scared him. He was going insane. He needed to know if he was okay, then he’ll be okay. Chaeyoung shook him lightly. He lifted his head, eyebrows frayed still looking at the desk. 

“Oppa, are you feeling well?” Changbin nodded and rested his head onto his palm. 

“Yeah, peachy.” Chaeyoung frowned and ran her hand through the elders hair. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. He smiled half heartedly and put his head on her shoulder. 

“Thank for worrying, it’s appreciated.” 

“Of course Binnie.” 

Binnie. Jisung called him that. He shook the thought away from his head and tried to think about something else. He needed to think about something else. Someone else. Chaeyoung. She was right next to him and all he could think about was Jisung. She was so nice and caring, always making sure he felt fine, and yet all he could think about was someone who wasn’t her. He must be a lousy boyfriend. He watched Chaeyoung do her work because frankly, he wasn’t focused enough to do his. He waited till the bell rang, gave Chaeyoung a quick peck on her cheek and walked slowly to the cafeteria. When he arrived, Felix and Hyunjin were sat at a table without Jisung. 

“Jisung didn’t come late did he?” Changbin shook his head. Felix’s face instantly softened while Hyunjin sighed. 

“Hyung, why can’t we just go to his house?” 

“Jinnie, I don’t wanna force anything out of him. If he’s ignoring us, it’s for a good reason.” 

“He texted me yesterday.” Changbin snapped his head in Felix’s direction. He glared at him and Felix’s eyes widened. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” His words were hard and he felt bad for the way they sounded on his tongue, but now it seemed like he was just ignoring him and Hyunjin which made him feel more pissed. 

“All he said was for us to not try and talk to him because he doesn’t want to. I asked him why and he replied with a simple because. Then I asked him if he could explain it but he never replied back to me.” Hyunjin groaned and slammed his hand onto the cafeteria table. Felix jumped and Changbin sighed. 

“I’m gonna go to his-“ 

“No Hyunjin. I don’t want us to go to his house because I don’t wanna pressure him. He’ll become more anxious if we bombard him with questions and practically gang up on him.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes and leaned his back on the wall next to him, crossing his arms over his chest. Changbin’s phone rang and he quickly picked it up without looking at the caller ID. He hoped it was Jisung. 

“Changbin, can we talk?” He remembered that voice. It was Chan. 

“Yeah, sure. Did you want us to go to your job after schools over?” 

“No, to my studio and right now if you can. Also just you.” 

“Okay? Well, you’ll be at there when I arrive right?” Chan hummed through the phone, signaling a yes. Changbin nodded, more to himself than anyone, and gave a small okay and bye. The line went dead but he still had his phone up to his ear. He sounded so serious. He usually was but it was Chan, he was loud and made anyone feel better. He was like everyone’s personal energy charger. He put his phone down gently on the table. 

“Was that Jisung?” Changbin shook his head, Hyunjin huffed and turned his head in the opposite direction. 

“It was Chan hyung. He wants to talk to me.” Felix tilted his head to the side. 

“Who’s Chan?” 

“My friend. He’s in college and works at a studio that I usually go to when I write.” Felix nodded slightly and looked back at Hyunjin who had a scowl still plastered on his face. He rolled his eyes at the slightly older male and mouthed to Changbin a “I’ll talk to him.” Changbin smiled at Felix and waved. He jogged out the front door of the school and ran down the street. Since he was a senior he could leave during lunch. Thank god for that privilege. He saw Chan standing outside of the building, side leaning on the wall and phone in hand. His mop of blonde curly hair was hidden under a beanie and hood from his pullover. He looked tired but he always looked tired so Changbin didn’t question it. Chan looked up from his phone and gave the younger a tiny smile which Changbin returned. 

“How are you Binnie?” 

“I could be better. I’m more worried about you though.” Chan smiled brightly and patted the shorter’s head and put his arm around his shoulder. They walked inside the spacious building that was all too familiar to Changbin. 

“I’m alright, just a little stressed out with school and my job.” His sentence seemed unfinished, like he wanted to say something else but he didn’t question the elder. They walked till they got to the door of Chan’s studio. They sat down on the tiny sofa that Chan had managed to squeeze into the corner of the room. 

“What’s been bothering you lately? You look kinda…” 

“Bad?” Chan chuckled and nodded a tiny bit. Changbin knew he looked tired, he refused to look at himself in the mirror and only looked at himself through his phone screen which he didn’t do at all. 

“I mean I’m the same as you, I’ve been stressed out. I feel bad because I haven’t been hanging out with Chaeyoung a lot.” 

“Chaeyoung?” 

“My girlfriend.” Chan frowned and heaved out a sigh. Changbin knew what was coming next, he could see it his face. The way his eyebrows moved and the deep frown he wore. He shouldn’t have said anything about her. 

“Changbin.” 

“I know hyung. I’m stupid, you don’t have to tell me.” 

“Stupid isn’t the word I was going for but I’ll keep it. But Bin, do you even...like this girl?” Changbin stopped himself from nodding. He knew he had no soul feelings for Chaeyoung. He just kept her by his side to fill the empty feeling inside of his chest. He’s just been stringing her along because of his own messed up fantasy and he wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth. But he couldn’t. He was selfish and wanted to blanket his swelled up heart with Chaeyoung and only Chaeyoung. 

“No…but I want to. I think if I’m around her more often, maybe I’ll fall for her.” Chan’s eyes casted downward and he looked almost disappointed. He shook his head and brought it back up, eyes filled with worry. 

“That’s not healthy though. Doesn’t she deserve to date someone who likes her ? What about-“ 

“Hyung stop.” 

“Changbin, what about Ji-“ 

“He doesn’t even like me let alone wants to be in a fucking relationship! So don’t say what about Jisung because it’s not gonna happen, plus I don’t even know where the fuck he is!” Changbin breathed heavily as he finished his sentence. He didn’t mean to blow up in Chan’s face, but he was angry. All the pent up aggression that’s been in him for days has finally been let out, but he feels so shitty for letting it out on someone who hasn’t done anything to him. 

“Hyung I-I’m sorry, I just- hate that I don’t know where he is and-“ Tears ran down his face slowly and Chan wiped at the youngers face. The elder pulled Changbin into a tight hug. 

“I love him so much but he told me before that he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship due to his anxiety. He told me-“ 

“He told you. Past tense Changbin. He loves you too, just as much as you love him.” Changbin pulled away from Chan’s embrace. 

“How do you know?” 

“He told me.” 

“When?” 

“A week ago.” Changbin’s eyes lit up. Maybe Chan knew where he was. He didn’t know how to take in the information that Chan had just told him but one thing was for sure, he wanted to talk to him as soon as possible. He didn’t wanna lose his best friend, the person he loved, just because he was stupid. If Jisung truly loved him back as Chan had said, then he really fucked up. 

“Do you know where he is?” Chan nodded lightly. Changbin thought he felt his eyes water again. 

“He’s at my house with Minho.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next 2 chapters are gonna be back in Jisung's pov uwu  
> sorry if there were mistakes  
> 


	5. NOT A CHAPTER

Im sorry but I'm putting this fic on hiatus for awhile. I haven't had any time to try and finish this due to school and family issues. I will try and put the last 2 chapters up as soon as I have time. In the mean time, i might try to put small one shots up only because they've been in my drafts and I want to put some of them up and get them out of the way. My wish is to put the last 2 chapters up before March ends. Thanks for the understanding.

**Author's Note:**

> i'll try and update this regularly but i'm not entirely too sure if i can keep that promise


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